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| SUCCESSFUL PARENTING MISBEHAVIOR MEETS
NEEDS |
| Prepared By NIGEL JAMESON |
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Misbehavior. That's when you don't act
the way I want you to when I want you to. But what about
when I do what I want when I want to do it? Some might
call it personal prerogative. Others might say it's
a double standard.
One of the interesting aspects of human behavior is
that behavior is need-driven. Needs can be physical
or spiritual, or perhaps a mixture of both. For example,
our need for food fills a physical need, hunger, along
with the spiritual needs of belonging, beauty and more.
As long as we go about filling our needs in culturally
appropriate ways, others consider us behaving. As soon
as our needs inconvenience someone by creating an obstacle
for the fulfillment of their needs...BOOM...our behavior
transforms into misbehavior.
For our children, who have not yet learned the cultural
nuances of conduct, these crashes and clashes of unmet
needs can create disturbances that adults label as misbehavior.
Physical needs are the ones that we usually think of
first when we are dealing with a clash of needs between
child and adult. Is the child hungry, tired, sleepy,
cold, etc.? And perhaps the adult, too?
No wonder grandmothers around the world want to feed
crabby people. Cookies with milk, along with predictable
meal and bedtimes, keep life on an even keel. Taking
care of our physical needs avoids considerable conflict.
Meeting spiritual needs becomes trickier and more complex
as spiritual needs involve the intellectual, emotional,
physical as well as the spiritual parts of our beings.
Spiritual needs include the following and more: activity,
movement, exercise, creativity, exploration, orientation,
belonging, acceptance, appreciation, becoming, celebration,
closeness, community, consideration, contribution, emotional
safety, empathy, honesty, love, reassurance, respect,
support, trust, understanding, warmth, communication,
inspiration, laughter, fun, imagination, to choose dreams,
goals and values, create self-worth, create meaning,
create an authentic person, create personal integrity,
order, beauty, harmony, peace, repetition, precision
and exactness. With so many needs to meet, we all can
get needy quickly. We can be going around minding our
own business, and then...Ka-Boom!
Our needs smash into someone else's. From a child's
point of view, there is no misbehavior, only actions
for trying to meet personal needs. Let's look at a few
examples. The child running in the back aisle of the
store? Meeting a need for movement and self-expression.
The child giving an adult an imperious, ''No!''? Meeting
a need to become independent. The child refusing to
go to bed? Meeting a need for adult attention. The child
lashing out at friends? Perhaps meeting the need to
be alone, to have time to collect thoughts or the need
for protection. The next time there is a sonic boom
in your life, as unmet needs move faster than the speed
of sound, think about what unmet needs--yours and your
child's--have collided. Work towards a win-win solution
in order for all parties to have their needs met, with
no need for misbehaving. |
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