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| COMMENTARY By Ira
B. Hanley |
| What A Difference "One Moment"
In Time Can Make !!! |
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The Good Book says in Proverbs, "Even
a fool, when he holds his peace, is counted wise; and
he that shuts his lips is esteemed a man of understanding."
One of the most obvious and significant attributes of
humans is the ability to communicate through speech.
An interesting corollary is that we can communicate
our thoughts in real time: we do not need to plan what
we are going to say before we say it. This has both
advantages and disadvantages.
As parents, we insist that our children, particularly
in public, think before they speak. We do that because
we recognize through experience the impetuousness of
youth. As teachers, we do the same thing. We first calm
the excited child down before even attempting to listen
to the complaint. If that doesn't work, we send the
child back to his seat to start all over. What we are
trying to do is to get the child to think before he
speaks.
At the same time, it would be clearly undesirable for
us to have to always formulate our thoughts before we
issue a warning, as for instance "FIRE" or
"RUN". Communication would be dramatically
slowed if we were unable to respond naturally to people
in normal conversation.
On the other hand, this innate ability - to think spontaneously
- is often the source of much consternation when what
we say on the spur of the moment, is something we later
wish, we either had not said, or said differently. It
happens to everyone. However, in any society, ours included
what the ordinary Joe on the street says does not carry
the same import as the same words spoken by our leaders
in both the government and the church.
It is impolitic to blurt out whatever comes to mind
without recognizing its impact on the listeners. Claiming
mea culpa and I am just a human being, in other words
an ordinary Joe, doesn't cut. You cannot have it both
ways. You cannot demand respect due to your office and
at the same time crave the privileges of ordinary Joe.
He can speak his mind without fear of retribution as
long as he doesn't break the law.
In the last election, we witnessed human frailty at
its worst or best, depending on how you look at it.
Typically, this happens when we are responding quickly
in stressful situations, or during confrontation, or
even exuberance; although it can happen at anytime.
We heard irresponsible statements like "blazing
guns" and "belly full."
Before continuing with this trend of thought, let me
elucidate by saying no one in his/her right mind can
or should apply a literal meaning to the above statements.
The irony is that the wrong metaphors were used to express
the passion they wanted to portray. What a difference
one moment in time would have made to only stop and
think before speaking. The same goes for "Trash
Can".
The ordinary Joe could have made those statements and
no one would have batted an eye. But in the midst of
an election campaign, those words were downright irresponsible;
though I will not agree with what the spin doctors made
of it. However, that's politics - if you cannot stand
the heat move away from the fire.
It is not only our politicians that get carried away.
Very recently I had the misfortune to listen to a sermon
in which the minister in a moment of whatever, told
the congregation "And you can kiss my …. (pause)
rear." Now in terms of morality, decency, and plain
good taste, this takes the icing. There is no doubt
that the minister was not offended by the whole congregation,
so why insult all, to get at perhaps, one person. It
might have been better to call the person up, or in,
and invite him/her to kiss wherever. It might very well
be that the person would have asked him/her to first
do the honours.
The point that I am making is that irresponsible statements
by our leaders do not leave room for parents, teachers
and significant others, to impress upon our youth the
need to pause for a second, and think before they speak
or act. Recognizing that we do not always say what we
would like to say is an important realization. How to
mitigate the issue is not complex, but does require
behavioural changes.
The goal is to be aware of when to talk naturally or
fluidly, and when to think before we speak, and when
not to speak all. As Proverbs says, "Even a fool
knows when to hold his Peace". Our leaders, more
so than the ordinary Joe, must keep in mind that you
may never get the chance to take these words back. We
may spend a lifetime regretting the difference one moment
in time can make.
We must recognize that we live in a stress filled world,
which in itself can put relationship in jeopardy. Words
can crush a relationship. "Sticks and stones can
break my bones, but words can do me no harm," is
rubbish. We all know how hurtful words can be; even
if we say words don't bother us, because they really
do.
The worst part is that many times we say something with
the thought in our head of a meaning that is much different
than the way it is taken. But we must accept a certain
amount of culpability, particularly when those words
were said at a crucial time - words that can determine
the outcome of an event. With a few words that are not
well thought out, you can crush a relationship without
meaning to.
We must impart to our youth the old adage, "Speak
in haste; repent at leisure." No amount of damage
control can erase the effect; it only serves to push
our foot further in our mouth: though it is a kind of
comic relief to witness our leaders trying to "pull
their foot out of their mouth". We must impress
upon our youth the need to recognize that the information
they're going to present must be formulated in a way
to make a positive impact. Creating a negative atmosphere
will guarantee failure in communication. There is the
need to make people understand that you are contributing
and not detracting. It only takes one moment to ruin
your ability to communicate, at any time. You must identify
how your listeners will react. This litmus test must
be carried out, not necessarily on your followers -
those that just bob their heads. - But on a broad section
of the populace capable of making a rational decision.
We must always keep in mind that how you say is, in
many ways, as important as what you say. Tone of voice
can convey enthusiasm and sincerity; or it can rebuff
and show sarcasm; and as most people have experienced,
what we say can be taken in the wrong way. The most
likely reason is that tone of voice, what was said,
body and facial language, as well as content, were not
all thoughtfully combined to integrate with the listeners,
the most effective method of communication.
It is so easy to let our thoughts vary; but it is far
more courageous to tame those thoughts. We can try every
time we think; to think consciously. We must be aware
of our thoughts. When we become habituated to being
aware of our thinking, we will stop living and thinking
in auto-pilot. Mind and thought should not define who
we are and we shouldn't seek identity from them.
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