ROTT TALKTHE SECRET SERVICE
I was offered a job with the secret service the other day. I can’t tell you which day, you understand, because apparently that is classified information. And classified information as everybody is supposed to know, is supposed to be kept a big secret – except for those who have privileged status and are supposedly, supposed to be in the know. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing, you know. Especially in the wrong hands – or the wrong heads – depending on a number of obscure factors.
Anyway, the matter came up – quite unexpectedly of course, in the course of casual conversation. At first I didn’t take it seriously at all. As a matter of fact I smiled rather broadly and had a difficult time suppressing a laugh. My recruiter you see, was the spitting image of a fellow who used to stick out his palm and ask for ‘a dollah’ whenever I passed anywhere in his vicinity. (I wrote an article about that some years ago, and a reprint appears in my book ‘Nonsense In Nevis’.)
At first I didn’t quite understand what the fellow was getting at. I was about to tell him I don’t give out handouts any more, since it’s not safe to walk with money these days because of the numbers of robberies and so on. But since he didn’t have his hand out, I felt it would do no harm to listen to what he had to say. Especially once I realized that this wasn’t the same chap that usually used to try to stop me for ‘a dollah.’
“Trott” he was saying, “you is de perfeck man for de job!”
I smiled and told him that I wasn’t looking for a job – and that in fact, these days I preferred to do as little as possible. “Right,” he said enthusiastically, “dat’s what makes you so ideal!” Actually his manner of speaking wasn’t very clear, and at first I thought he was saying that he wanted to make some kind of deal with me. I told him to deal me out – I wasn’t interested. But before I could move on, he stopped me with a more interesting line. “Trott” he said, “errybody knows you is a man who could be trusted.”
Well, if you really want to get my attention, just appeal to my vanity – trust me! He got my attention. “Yes” I said warmly, “that’s true. Everybody knows that I’m completely trustworthy.” He smiled broadly, “an errybody knows you gat a mine of your own.” I admitted that that was a pretty well known fact – I make no secret about it. “Well, dat’s annuder ting dat makes you so ideal”, he said. He went on to explain that since I am the type of person who is so open about things, nobody would ever suspect me of working for the secret service.
I chuckled heartily at his words, and he laughed agreeably too. “It’s perfeck” he said, “you wouldn’t even have to go under cover. You could go absolutely anywhere an pick up all kine a information, an nobody could suspeck a ting. De secret service could really use a good man like you.” I could hardly stop laughing, the images that came to my mind were so ludicrous, of course. He really had me going. “A secret service” I guffawed, “in Nevis…?” He motioned for me to be quieter, as people were passing by and there was no need for them to know what we were discussing.
I decided that it was time for me move along and thanked him for his interest, but told him that I wasn’t really interested in secret services and that sort of thing. It all sounded too hush – hush for me. He seemed genuinely disappointed and said that from some of my comments in the newspaper, he’d gotten the impression that there were certain issues that I would like to have more information about.
Spang…!!! All of a sudden he got my full attention! The main things I’ve talked about in recent issues are the upcoming election, the lack of solid information from either political party about where they stand on the issues of constitutional reform, or independence for Nevis, and whether the characteristics of the various candidates were more suited to characters from fables and fairy tales, than persons who might become part of the next government of Nevis..
I tried to assess my companion a little more carefully. Maybe I had misjudged this person completely. Maybe all that talk about the secret service was some sort of metaphorical message that I didn’t quite pick up on correctly. Maybe this fellow was some sort of political functionary trying to sound me out about something or other. My mind was in a whirl. I asked a few direct questions, but he wouldn’t admit to association with any political party. Instead, he kept mentioning the secret service, and saying that I would be “perfeck for de job.”
Finally I asked what was involved – what “the job” was – indeed, what this so-called secret service was. His eyes twinkled with satisfaction. I think he thought he’d got me – maybe he has… I don’t know. He put his hand out and shook mine in a brisk but friendly fashion. “Trott, you’re alright”, he said, “you’ll do just fine. Don’t worry about a ting – we’ll be in touch when it’s time, an’ you know erryting you need to know.” There were a bunch more questions I wanted to ask, but he was surprisingly quick and gone before I could unravel my thoughts.
I really don’t know what to make of it all. That was more than a few days ago and I haven’t seen or heard from that fellow since. A couple of times the phone rang, and there was no one on the line when I picked up the receiver. But that would sometimes happen before I met him anyway. Still, I began to wonder if whoever called was from the secret service, and if that’s why they didn’t say anything when I answered the phone. And I’ve been re-reading the articles I wrote during the past few weeks, trying to fathom what might be in them that indicated I would make a good secret service person.
Somehow I got the impression from the way that we parted that I am already in the secret service. The way that fellow shook my hand and said that I was alright and would do just fine, was really like saying, “welcome to the club.” So it would seem that all that’s required of me as a secret service person, is to continue doing what I’ve been doing – continue writing my comments and observations every week. I think I can handle that. And I’m awfully glad that I don’t have to do any undercover work. It’s too hot for any of that cloak and dagger stuff these days!
But I’m going to keep my eyes and ears open and see what I can find out about anything that might be interesting. And if I happen to find out anything that I think everybody ought to know, you’ll read about it on these pages. Especially if I find out when the election is going to be held, and whether independence for Nevis, or constitutional reform will become part of the campaign promises. And of course, as soon as I know, it’ll all become an open secret – trust me!
