Continued from last week
Why don’t they consider themselves fools? Because they ignore the signs of infatuation. Actually, they do not even see them, because they are caught up in the feelings of infatuation, which usually begins with a “crush” or “puppy love.” Tragically, parents often promote this, thinking childhood boyfriends and girlfriends are cute, and encourage pairing off, starting with young children. This is dangerous thinking, often ingrained into children beginning as early as kindergarten!
Infatuation can involve very powerful attraction. Never underestimate it. While it stirs up the emotions and feelings that make couples think they are in love, infatuation is nothing more than a starry-eyed experience—a romantic daydream. But, at this point in a relationship, it is nearly impossible to convince anyone of this. Reason and logic seem to magically disappear as people feel they are going through a wonderful, even divine, experience that will last forever.
Recognizing Infatuation
All of this understanding is of no use if one cannot recognize the beginnings of infatuation. How then can you know if you are becoming infatuated?
The biggest symptom of infatuation is an almost complete reliance on emotions—to the exclusion of almost everything else about a person—allowing these emotions to first lead, and then dictate, your actions. In the earliest stages of a relationship, ask yourself the following questions:
What is your major attraction to the person? If infatuated, your main interest will almost certainly be physical appearance. On the other hand, if you truly love the person, you will—among many other things—be interested in his or her total personality, and this will come to include the person’s character.
How did the attraction start? While infatuation almost invariably happens quickly, love always develops more slowly. “Love at first sight” does not exist, and should more properly be called “lust (or infatuation) at first sight.” Anything of worth takes time. But, when it comes to one’s own life, most fail to see—let alone apply—this simple truth.
How consistent is your interest? Infatuation is like a rollercoaster ride—rising and falling, often on trivial events, fluctuating between high peaks of certainty and deep valleys of doubt. With love, one’s interest becomes deeper and more consistent with time. Infatuation involves feelings, comparable to hot and extreme, while love involves character, reflecting balance and temperance.
How do you see the other person? The infatuated live in a one-person world. Their attraction is like the earth’s attraction to the sun—their whole universe revolves around the other person. Seemingly nothing else matters, and both are completely wrapped in each other’s orbit—and this almost invariably turns to being wrapped around each other’s bodies.
During this stage of infatuation, many become blind, rendered almost completely unable to see anything wrong with the other person. While danger signals might be everywhere, the infatuated person does not recognize them—any of them. He tends to see what he wants to see rather than what he needs to see. (Consider this: Studies reveal that no more than two percent of people counseling for marriage will even consider that they may be incompatible. Even fewer heed counsel urging them to actually break it off.)
Now ask: How do others see you? If you are infatuated, your parents and most of your friends will most likely not approve of your relationship. Their objectivity can allow them to see a range of potential difficulties, when the infatuated person often cannot see even the most obvious problems.
The Role of Emotions
Let’s repeat for emphasis: Emotion is the bedrock of infatuation. Do not misunderstand—emotions can be good, even wonderful, and certainly perfectly normal in the right circumstances. However, the emotionally immature are incapable of controlling emotions and, as a result, quickly become infatuated.
Obviously, physical maturity takes time—from birth to adolescence to adulthood. Also—and most generally recognize this—coming to mental maturity is a process, similarly involving much time. Yet, few realize the importance of emotional maturity.
