Continued from last week
It is obvious that most parents today have taken the position of politician, instead of being a teacher of their children. So many have caved into the easy path of “running a popularity contest” with their children or teens, because they are told, “Other parents don’t make their kids do that.” Unfortunately, such statements are generally true. It takes tremendous courage and conviction—and staying power!—for parents to go against the grain in order to teach their children the true values of effective, purposeful dating. When I mentioned other parents, my parents continually reminded me, “But you don’t have other parents. You have us!”
Dating truly has become a lost art, but you can learn to do it! You cannot imagine the benefits—to you and others—that will come with the proper form of dating. It is meant to be an opportunity not only for fun, recreation and exercise, but also to learn about people, to develop social graces and etiquette, and to develop yours and others’ personalities, among other purposes.
Conversation—The Other Lost Art
The ability to communicate effectively is one of the most important skills to acquire, and dating provides a perfect means to develop it! Being able to communicate effectively will benefit you in countless ways in every facet of life—for the rest of your life. It will build friendships, open doors and help you succeed in the workplace.
The art of communication takes practice. It takes time to learn to accurately and tactfully express yourself, and to communicate well with others. Socializing on group and single dates will certainly help you acquire this ability. Most people use the same words, terms and phrases over and over, generally because they never learned to develop their vocabulary. They continually fall back on very weak expressions. Here are just a few things people say when they do not know what to say next—do not know how to respond with something of meaning or value: “You know,” “okay?”, “really!”, “yeah, right,” “you know what I’m saying?”, “like…,” “uh-huh,” “whatever,” “and what not,” “totally!” and “sure?!”
Learn to express your thoughts with color and enthusiasm, and try to expand your vocabulary by learning and using new words. You will discover that others can find you interesting, and even fascinating, to talk to. Believe me—you will stand out to those who think!
Perhaps most important, strive to become an attentive and active listener. This involves giving others the opportunity to express themselves and showing sincere interest in what they have to say. Learning the skill of being a good listener is probably the most important aspect of right communication. You will be surprised at how many consider you an excellent conversationalist when you primarily just listened. The biblical admonishment “Be swift to hear and slow to speak” (Jms. 1:19) has more than one application, and will work wonders in conversations.
Dates are opportunities to share clean, wholesome ideas. Ask questions about your date’s background. Discuss interests, travels, hobbies and world news, among other things. Although it goes against today’s societal norms, the man should strive to take the lead in conversation and try to make the woman feel at ease. However, this does not mean ladies should just sit back, not actively participating, taking an “entertain me” approach. Both parties should strive to be active and interested in making the date a learning experience.
Most dates today are not edifying or uplifting. The universal first date seems to be little more adventurous than “Let’s go to a movie.”
This greatly limits the potential for conversation—for getting to know one another. We have already discussed another common dating environment—the club scene—that is hardly an atmosphere conducive to stimulating conversation. Without conversation, in any setting, it is much easier to default into other activities (primarily sex, overdrinking and drug use, but also, especially with teens, just plain trouble) and it is impossible to learn much about the person with whom you are spending time.
Not only was dating once seen as a chance to build social skills and graces, but it also served as an opportunity to grow intellectually. This is virtually absent today, particularly among those who are younger. Rarely anymore are dates mentally uplifting or interesting. Today, the idea of actually sitting across from another person (of either sex) and holding a truly interesting, let alone fascinating, discussion covering complex topics is foreign to most young people, and most young adults.
